A Renewed Hope

Motherhood has been such an up and down adventure for me! I have gone through post partum depression with both of my children, tried antidepressants, didnt work. I have been to Dr Therapist, which worked amazing, but it still is a continuous emotional struggle for me to figure out who I am as a mom. I have thought time and time again, I am damaging these children for sure. Or I have thought, how are these kids going to turn out with me as their full time parent?? I really do try my best at this, and hope that my downfalls as a mother dont cause permanent damage.





During my recovery in the hospital after my hysterectomy, I decided to read a book. My mom said it was amazing, so I decided to enjoy reading quietly for a couple of days without the kid distraction. The book was called "The Message" by Lance Richardson. http://www.americanfamilypublications.com
It turned into a spiritual turning point for me and ultimately my family. I realized that there is a reason behind all of this madness. There is a reason to keep going even when my two year old is screaming on the floor, and trying to spit at me. There is a reason to keep going even when you find your four year old trying to suffocate your two year old with a blanket and she is screaming her last breaths. There is a reason to keep going even when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, it is dreary outside, the kids are being uncooperative and you think, here we go again. I always knew there was a reason, but sometimes we just need that reminder. I know I have an amazing life given to me, but I needed that reminder. I really feel a renewed hope to keep moving forward, to forgive myself for my inconsistencies, to remember always that these little children are indeed the greatest gift God could have given to me. He gave me these kids because He trusted me to do this. Now this morning was one of those mornings where I was feeling oh so drained! I didnt want to get them dressed, combed, fed, and out the door in a timely matter. I was tired gosh darnit. I am so glad I decided to check facebook before I left, even if it wasnt the most productive thing to do, because I found this:




Do I think that after watching this I will never get frustrated again? I answered that question about 5 minutes later, when I couldnt get my four year old to cooperate, and then he looked at me and said, I dont love you, I only love daddy. Well, the worst words a mother could ever hear, but, he is four, and he lives in the moment right??? I decided right then, well, after I maybe raised my voice a little, that no, I am going to keep moving forward and love my life even when.... Could everyone please keep sending these little messages to me every couple days so I can have this renewed sense of hope all the time? I guess I could try and remind myself, but I have also been trying to accept myself. As it says in the scriptures, Love thy neighbour as thyself. Well, I wouldnt ever love my neighbour as I love myself sometimes. That would just make me a not very nice neighbour. I think it is our duty to God to love ourselves too. I think we make Him just as sad when we hate ourselves as when we hate others. I am learning over again how to love myself as a mother. How to love myself as a wife. How to love myself as a friend. How to love myself as a sister, daughter, and relative. How to love myself for me. I am putting it out there for all of the universe to hear. I vow to be more positive, and to be that person I have forgotten about. I vow to be a better listening ear. I vow to let go of the little things that dont matter. I vow to be that funny person, the friend people love to be around again. We are here to become better, so we can return home better than we left. All I care about sometimes is that I return no worse....harder said then done. haha So, life is good. I can do this, I will forgive myself, and I will move forward with hope.

Not a woman anymore??

It has been a really long time since I last posted, but the reason it has been so long is the reason I am writing today. Almost 4 weeks ago I went under the dreaded knife. Am I a woman anymore? Of course I am, I am just missing a baby making part of me as I decided, along with my Gyno doc, that it was time to remove the 'ol uterus. Man alive, it is the best thing ever! Tampon burning party, HERE I COME!!!!!! I think the first thing I said to my hubby after surgery was, would you like to have sex with a man? He looked at me like I was an idiot, but we laughed and he said, I am pretty sure you are still a woman. The week before surgery I really stressed about how I would feel afterwards. Would I regret doing it? Would I five years down the line decide that I should've sucked it up and had more kids? I swear, the next day after surgery I felt like a new lady! I knew this was the best decision I could have made. It just made me feel like our decision as a family for me not to ever be pregnant anymore was final!! I cannot have babies, and there is nothing I can do about it now. What a friggin relief. I definately dont feel guilty about it, I dont feel regretful, I finally feel happy that I am not going to be pregnant again. You cant be wishy washy about kids with no uterus. How do you like my picture? Did anyone else vomit in their mouth a little?? I am sure most men dont read this blog anyway, so women, here it is.

Right before surgery I was kind of looking forward to the few days I would be away in the hospital recovering. Is that sad? I was looking forward to surgery for a vacation. I think I need to talk to my hubby about that. I really needed a break, and I got one. I've never been on a vacation where I didnt need to do dishes, I was served each meal, given demerol every 4 hours, and my urine was neatly packed away in a bag. I didnt even need to use the washroom. What the heck! That's my kind of vacay. haha

I just have to wonder why women are so afraid of losing their uterus. I mean, I understand losing the ovaries, but the uterus? If you arent having babies, what do you want that torture device for anyway? I think a majority of women are crazy because of the period. It ruins everything! We need to pack an extra suitcase everywhere we go just in case of Aunt Flow. I know some women who wont have sex if they have a period! If that wouldnt make you crazy, I dont know what would.

The week after my surgery, Doctor Oz was on TV talking about hysterectomies. I was shocked by his program. I now wont watch his show cause I think he gave a completely one sided, rediculous show! THere were all these women on there talking about the surgery and how they wished they had never done it. He said it was the #1 most unnecessary surgery. Whatever, still happy I did it. Then he said, when men have erectile dysfuntion we dont cut off their penises, so why do we remove a woman's uterus just because of some problems. WHAT???????? Okay, I could be really crude here but I wont. I am pretty sure that my uterus is not the equivalent to a penis. Pretty sure I know what the equivalent is, and last time I checked, I still have it.....catching on??? Anyway, what a joke that was and now in my head, he is a quack. So anyone out there thinking about having this surgery and arent wanting more kids, DO IT!!! Freak, I still have my hormones, yes, I am as crazy as before, but I dont have a period. I am shouting for joy. Also, the recovery has been very manageable, I have no outside of the body incisions, so that is easy too.

Now, only 2 weeks of recovery left till I can resume normal life. I have had some amazing support from friends and family and am grateful to be so loved! I think that this is a long enough post about my insides, I wont make you keep reading. Thanks for listening

Let these be old wives tales!

I had a one hour visit with Dr Therapist yesterday and I thought it went quite well. Although, she did say that my blog concerned her a little bit and wanted me to make sure I was doing it for all of the right reasons. So we discussed some reasons why it is good and why it is bad for me, so hopefully I am going to be writing for only healthy reasons....thank goodness I am not crazy...

I wanted to dedicate this post to the life of a stay at home mama. Some things have occurred to me as I have been a stay at home mama for 4 years now. I have had some interesting responses from people that have these preconcieved notions of what it means to be a stay at home mama. One: we stay at home eating bon bons and watching soap opera's. I am wondering where and when this idea started. I have done some thinking on it, and have come up with some answers which make sense in my own wacky mind. I would think that back in the day, like the 50's or so, a husband would come home from a long and exhausting day of work or since watching Mad Men, sleeping with the various women he comes across, to his wife sitting on the couch eating candy. I wonder, did she look a little bit glazed and disheveled? I get two things out of this whole eating bon bons and watching soap operas comment. I think to myself, why is she eating bon bons. Probably depressed, chocolate works wonders when you are depressed. She probably is exhausted and overwhelmed. First thing I do when I feel that way is EAT! Where are the kids?? Back in that day, probably outside playing in the street and she doesnt care, in our day, in their rooms or in front of the television in a totally different room than the mama. The watching soap opera's goes along with the bon bons, we just pick which one will distract us enough so that we dont ring those little hell raisers necks! Freak, if my husband doesnt come home to me eating bon bons or hiding away from the kids, then there is something terribly wrong and he better check that they are still breathing.

The other preconceived notion that just irks me more than anything is that our house should be spotless, dinner on the table when hubby gets home, and the kids perfect with a bow in their hair. The kids thing is just not going to happen, the amount of food that little girl puts in her hair is unbelieveable. To keep her spotless and snotless all day takes a heck of a lot of baths and work, that would be all I would be able to get done in a day. Dinner on the table can happen, some days. I will be the first to admit that I am not the most organized in the world, but really, getting dinner ready at a certain time would require children to stop being crazy at a certain time. How much cooperation do you see a stay at home mama getting for this?? Exactly, none!! I finally came to a realization, which makes me feel better, that children are not excited to see mama, we are always here. So, that means cooperation is usually to a minimum, which helps me understand why my house can get so insane. Now a spotless house is for those that are OCD, stressed out, stay at home mamas. I am waiting for that one to kick in, so I can have a tidy house. I say tidy because, my house is clean, but just not tidy all the time. This is going to be my only argument, and dont freak out, why keeping a tidy house is harder for a stay at home mama, then a working mama. My sweet little children are always here!! Believe me, I have tried begging my husband to put the kids in daycare so I can stay home and eat bon bons, all I got was a very dramatic eye roll. Anyway, when children are always here, they are always making a mess. If I had no friggin life, and followed them around all of the time, I could keep the house tidy, all of the time. That would just put me back in the catagory of crazy, which already gets me in trouble, and probably another session a week with Dr Therapist. She doesnt want that either!! So, I let them run around like wild banshees, screaming, and throwing toys around the house, and I quite frankly do something else. I like it like that. Annoying, that just made me think of a song that I cant get out of my head. Okay, so my house is a disaster. Working mama's house only has kids running around like wild banshees for a couple of hours tops, because they are eating at one point after they get home, reading stories, having baths, and going to bed. I could keep that house tidy. Just pick it all up before you go to bed and whammo, your house is back to Martha Stewart like magic for the rest of the next day. You dont even have to clean toilets as much, who is peeing in them?? No one! HEAVEN. Granted, you arent home to enjoy this cleanliness, and yes, I chose this life, but we could argue till the cows come home. Your house is still cleaner. So quit judging, I am not a freak, just a stressed out mama. Yes, I am talking to my hubby's employee that made a complaint about their sister in law not being clean enough and getting supper ready at the correct time. I mean what does she do all day, she has a 4 year old and her house is a mess. Well, bring it on employee who is what, 18 years old and has no children??? Please, dont start. It is hard enough doing this without ending up in the insane asylum! We don't need anyone telling us how inadaquate we are at doing this job, we do it enough to ourselves! That is all I am going to talk about today, because, this post is already long, I dont want to bore you, and quite possibly I am being neglectful while I write.

How the times have changed!

I decided that this post was going to be dedicated to my nannies. They are there to help me when I need to get my chores done, when I need to make dinner or lunch, and when I need a sanity break. They have been the best thing that has ever happened to me as a mother and also as a wife. Sometimes my nannies take care of my husband even when I need to get things done, or I am not in the mood. The other thing you will not believe, is how much I actually pay my nannies! I pay them around $60/month. Can you believe it? What a steal of a deal. Sometimes I feel they deserve way more money, and maybe I will upgrade to a better nanny one day that I will pay $100/month, but now, this is what we pay. Holy crap, my nannies are awesome!! Without further ado, I would like to introduce my nannies. Meet Samsung

and JVC

Now, I used to hold onto a lot of guilt when I thought of how much time my little children spent with the nannies! I must still hold on to some guilt because I am embarassed to admit to other people how much time my children spend with the nanny. My mother always is telling me that my kids are way too attached to the nannies, and I should better organize my days so that they are getting more attention from me. Well, shhhh, keep this to yourself, I dont want to spend all day playing with the kids. Yes, I had kids, I knew that would mean I would have to actually play with them. In the summer, they dont see the nannies quite so much, but in these cold Canadian winters, the nanny is around a lot. I also have little girl that really doesnt like being out in the cold because she is still a little too young for it. I guess I could get out some crafts and come up with fun indoor activities, but, I suck at this stuff! They are happy with the nannies, and so am I. Sure, maybe my kids will end up with ADHD because of the tv, but, give me the science to prove that is more likely. Actually, dont, I dont want to know. I mean, they go to the YMCA with me almost every day of the week, and little boy has playschool and little girl gets to play all morning. Then she naps in the afternoon, little boy plays with the nannies, and I get to do what I need to do. Does this all sound like justification? Absolutely, but like earlier posts, this is me, I am lazy!! My other justifications are as follows; I hear women say, who are grandma age, that when they had kids they didnt have the nannies around all of the day. Well, la di freakin da, you also werent scared that your next door neighbour, who is a wonderful person so it seems, could also be the neighbourhood pedophile, so you let your kids go outside by themselves all the time. Do not try and tell me that you always played with your kids all day long! I know your age group, you had a spotless house, so you had to at one point let the kids play by themselves. I am terrified to let my kids go outside and play without me. Call it paranoia, but I trust NO ONE!! Nice eh?? Okay, so maybe I trust some people, but I will not let them outside out of my sight. I am the crazy overprotective mother. Also, nannies werent as fabulous when I was a kid like they are today. We got bored because there was like two tv shows on and then there was nothing until after dinner. We did not have treehouse, if you are american, you probably have a similar show on tv that is a 24 hour a day kids station. The kids love it!! So anyway, when I was little, I would come up with my own play time, and find toys and play house, and play with my siblings or whatever. Now, the kids want to watch treehouse. I would love for them to just play make believe, I have tried encouraging it! It works for a short time, then the nannies come back. I could get rid of them!! What an awesome idea. Ya right, I love the nannies too! I want to watch them when the little children go to bed. My hubby loves the nannies, they keep him updated on sports, or hell as I call them. I could limit the time spent with the nannies for the kids. Then I would have to erase all of my laziness and try to change our routines. Again, not going to happen. So, I have just decided that I am not going to feel guilty over something that I love having. I have very intelligent kids, just like every other mother, and I am not worried that the nannies are frying their brains. Once they are in full time school, let their teachers worry about changing their routines. hahahhahahahhah, evil laugh. Just kidding, little boy loves school already and definately enjoys it more than the nannies, so again, not worried. I am not going to change, I am just going to rant and rave all over town how much I love my nannies! Again, the best thing that has ever happened to me as a stay at home stressed out mama.

To Surrogate or Not Surrogate??

I was just writing up a different blog post when I got a phone call from my very good girlfriend. She and her husband have offered her very fertile womb so that I could have another baby to add to our family. This offer was and is so shocking to me because I myself never wanted to be pregnant again. So what a shock that someone else was willing to be pregnant again, and not even for themselves!!

Now, not wanting to be pregnant isnt because I didnt want more children, but because I am crazy!! My first pregnancy I was on bedrest for 6 months trying to keep that little sucker in there and I thought I was so weepy and off my rocker because of bedrest. Any of you who have been on bedrest or hospitalized during a pregnancy know what I am talking about. It is so difficult. I always thought bedrest would be the ultimate, come on, sit in bed and watch shows to your hearts content, no housework, no cooking, and no job. I also didnt have any other kids, so that made it even easier. Well, not a picnic I want to be invited to again!! It sucked the big one. After I had the little boy I hemorrhaged quite badly and needed transfusions, then to top it off, I got pretty bad post partum. When I got up the courage to have another baby, the entire pregnancy went really smooth, but I was really depressed and not myself during it. To say it lightly, I was a horrible person.

That is when I began seeing Dr Therapist, and we had a fabulous time together every week talking about my crazies. I realized that I wasnt moody the first time because of the bedrest, but that the hormones that happen to me during pregnancy make me an angry little elf and very depressed. After little girl was born, happy days, the depression vanished. AMAZING!! I was myself almost instantly after she came out. The problem then was I went on birth control and became crazy all over again. So, Dr Therapist and Dr Gyno decided it was in my best interest to not have more children naturally and to never be on hormone birth control again. So off went my dear hubby to the snip snip appointment. Good man. By the way, he has frozen sperm put away for a just in case, so we wont have to reverse the operation. Neither of us ever thought we would only have two children, but we looked into several options and decided we were lucky to have the two we got, and should just move forward with life. Heck, kids are stressful, and adding more just adds more chaos! Now, I am headed for a hysterectomy, which is 2 weeks away, so I really couldnt carry a baby if I wanted to. Surrogacy has always been at the back of my mind, but I just thought, so expensive and I didnt know if I could trust a stranger to carry my baby. So, back to the beginning, my good friends offered me this gift. I trust this friend so much to do the job, I know she would take good care of the pregnancy and that she would do a better job then I would. You probably are thinking many things. Could it ruin a friendship?? Not this one. Could complications arise for example,
multiples or the baby could come out unhealthy? Absolutely, but I would never be upset with her for these issues. I just have to wonder, if my good friend ended up, heaven forbid, carrying multiple babies, like 4-8, could I possibly do that to her?? Lets be honest, could I do that to myself even? Those are the tough questions. There is also the gossip that can arise at church and different places, that though, is the fun part for us. We would just find that entertaining! It would be so fun for prego friend to tell nosy people, no, it isnt my husband's baby, it is stressed out mama's husbands. Good line eh? Why not have fun with it. We worry about the stress it could put on our friends kids, husband, and most of all, her. We like to call them the Duggar's because they have 6, yes 6 kids themselves. Alright, the 2 youngest, twins, are not theirs biologically, but foster kids, but they are still theirs!! They will have them forever too, so doesnt matter that she didnt deliver those beautiful babies! So, she has 6 kids, carrying my 8 babies, how would she cope?? haha Look at that picture, how cute would 8 babies be?? If that was the case, put me in the loony bin now, cause TOO much. I am not trying to be Jon and Kate, believe me!!! I dont want my own reality show, I am much too boring. Oh wait, I am perfect for it, with all my babies, my big fake boobs, and my flat tummy. Wouldnt I be the sight. MILF alright!! Hold the men back, they wouldnt be able to resist! Anyway, back to my thoughts, could I let my friend do this, and for what? My selfish desire to have more kids, when I have 2 beautiful, loud, psycho children I can barely keep up with. Is my friend the most selfless person I know? Absolutely! What gift could be more giving and loving and more self sacrificing?? I dont know. I will always love her for it, and for the light that she has brought into my life since I met her. I am so grateful for good friends who love me, no matter my craziness! I am trying to keep my blog for entertainment value, and shock value, but I also want it to be about my life. Here it is. I promise to talk lighter next time, but this is what was on my mind today. I hope it all make sense as I am the first to admit I am a terrible writer, so do not judge my horrible writing skills!!

Starter Marriages

I was watching Dr Phil yesterday and the topic was on controlling husbands, or something like that. I watch Dr Phil from time to time, and thought this one looked somewhat boring, but I had the time to watch, so why not? Now watching these two cute women describing their overly controlling husbands, I had to wonder, why do they or others put up with this? When is it time to throw in the towel? Both of these men were nothing to look at and the women were quite beautiful, why are they bothering with these abusive ogre's? It really was like watching a train wreck that you couldnt take your eyes off of. It is sad that they dont have Dr Therapist to turn to, I mean Dr Phil is good and all, but come on, Dr Therapist is better! I do think marriage is very serious and you dont just go getting a divorce because you are bored of trying. I do have some experience in starter marriages as I myself have had one. I feel that there are just some issues in a marriage that are deal breakers, and there is no use trying to fix it. My ex thought sleeping with other women was just a bonus, and why not allow that in our relationship? Well, I guess I had a problem with it, and he didnt want to really change and didnt feel sorry for doing those other women, so I figured I had a right to leave. Now, every situation is different and every man and woman can decide what they can handle in their marriage. I was very young when I was first married and thought that marriage was always wonderful. I thought my marriage was going splendidly until the night of confessions. The most frustrating thing about it all, is that my first husband got the innocent, sweet, and always adoring wife. Now the hubby I now own, the one that deserves that little sweet innocent wife, got the all knowing, abandonment issued, Dr Therapist seeing, and all doubting wife. How lucky for him! How does one get back to that innnocence? It doesnt happen. I am jealous of those women that found that fairy tale the first time around. You know, I am not in the habit of trying to ruin marriages, stick with your husband or wife through thick and thin. That is awesome, if he/she deserves it. Heck, I would be divorced again if my hubby wasnt a saint, can you imagine living with this?? Yes dear, all of this sarcasm, self defeat, opinion and of course you get to pay for Dr Therapist, all comes with me, lucky man. I cant wait for the day when little boy or little girl first realizes, wait, Daddy wasnt the first?? When they realize mommy was a complete smarty pants when she eloped after high school, kept it a secret for a year, and then got a divorce. Some call it karma, I call it luck. How else would I get sweet hubby if it wasnt for bad boy who helped me realize I like the good boy? Little boy and Little Girl will adjust and hopefully learn from their mother, or I will kick their trash. I love it when others can learn from the many mistakes I have made. I feel like I am the guinea pig in life, and others can just watch me crash and burn, then decide they should go the other direction. Hubby just thinks I have a very rebellious spirit, who loves the excitement of mistakes. I really cant help the fire inside me, I just try to keep it toned down. Heaven help me

Guilty Pleasures

I woke up this morning, got both kids ready and headed out to the local YMCA for playschool. Thank goodness they offer a playschool so that I can get a workout while the kids are being looked after. Such a great start. Little Boy has playschool 3 days a week so little girl goes to the child minding and I work my butt off. It is absolutely the best thing for me mentally to get in that workout in the mornings, so I can burn stresses, anxieties, and frustration. The only thing is, lunch afterwards. I had such good intentions today. The plan was to take the kids to the grocery store, pick out a nice healthy lunch, so we didnt eat kraft dinner AGAIN, and go home and eat. Well, little girl was throwing a fit on the floor of the YMCA while we were waiting for little boy to be finished playschool. Screaming NO at the top of her lungs, thrashing her arms and legs when I tried to pick her up, and just being all out miserable. These are the thoughts of stressed out mama; Child for Sale, anyone, even for free, I will give her away! How do I look like a good mother without coming across as evil, mean, or too easy??? Come on!! People, I am so sick of not knowing what is the proper way of punishing kids these days. I do not want to spank. Sorry if I push buttons, but I dont. We even did a time out, which actually worked, mostly. I tried talking to an almost 2 year old, which quite frankly looks so silly I am sure to those around, because, I am trying to reason with a not even 2 year old. Doesnt usually work! I even resorted to the ignoring, which just annoys everyone around you, cause then they have to listen to your freak of a child. Anyway, finally little boy was done playschool and we raced out of there!! I put them both in the car and said, "who wants McDonalds"? Yes, like all of you mothers out there, I looked like the best mother in the world to my kids, but the GUILT set in!


We are bombarded with the images of fat america all the time! Hey, I am all for everyone getting healthier, obviously since I am at the gym all the time. I could very easily, well not easily, but I could get it for my kids and eat something healthy myself when I got home. The problem with that one is that I feel even guiltier doing it! Why should I be allowing my kids to put those greasy foods in their mouths, but I am too healthy for it. So, while looking at the menu, I picked the staple for the kids, chicken nugget kids meal, and decided to pick the most fatty item on the menu for myself, the Big Mac Meal. I know what you are thinking, I am thinking the same thing, yes, I erased the whole workout I did this morning so I wouldnt feel guilty. Now you probably are wondering why do I do this to myself or the kids. Its EASIER!!! We are surrounded by easy options and I havent gone grocery shopping recently, so I didnt really have any great options at home, and I just wanted to make the kids happy, quiet, and dang it, I am lazy!! It is hard to admit that sometimes, but I am a lazy mama!


I worry constantly about my physical image because we are also bombarded by pictures of hot famous or not famous MILF's! Even the women without kids that look like bombshells, make me want to workout constantly. Granted, I dont think Heidi Montag is a bombshell anymore with all that plastic surgery on her face, she just looks older, but I am jealous that I dont look like that sometimes. As much as I am going to make everyone very angry now, I am going for some plastic surgery to get rid of some nasty tummy issues after having kids and bringing the girls up a bit. Dr therapist thinks I have a tad bit of body dismorphic disorder because I am a bit obsessed about my body. Who wouldnt though. I have a hard time being completely happy with how my body has changed as I have aged and how it has changed after kids. Some think it is something we should accept because we are blessed with beautiful children, but to me, it isnt about them. I dont resent them one bit for how my body has changed, I adore my crazy kids, it just has to do with genetics that my skin isnt as elastic (as the plastic surgeon said). I am also hoping that I am doing this young enough so my daughter wont know for a long time and we can discuss at an older age, why I chose to do this. All girls have a natural tendency to hate something about their bodies, but I dont want to make this worse for her. That is my biggest worry about surgery. I have a great life, great kids, great husband, but sucky skin and saggy boobs. Whatever, I am going to fix it. These are some of my guilty pleasures, or soon to be guilty pleasures. I will be able to have sex with the lights on and not feel one bit self-conscious! I will let my husband have a good, pardon my french, motorboat and love it! haha I thank God in my prayers quite often that he made people smart enough to come up with, and master the skill of plastic surgeries. So, I am sure I have pissed some off with my words, and also wonder why I am getting plastic surgery when I eat Mcdonalds. Well, I am realistic, I cant give up those foods, I just try to not eat them all the time. I am going to try not to become the fat mama with really high boobs and a scar on her lower torso, from an unable to tell tummy tuck. Goals are good right?? Now I am off to my other guilty pleasure, watching Big Love